I’m Running for Congress, and I Need Your Help with That and Also to Fend Off This Pack of Wild Hyenas

I’ll be frank—this isn’t the e-mail I had hoped to send to you this afternoon. The election is less than a week away, and we’re still facing a shortfall between what we had budgeted for and our fund-raising projections through Election Day. We’re also face to face with a pack of wild hyenas that, by the looks of it, are not happy to see us.

Will you make a three-dollar donation today to help power our grassroots campaign for Congress?

Since the primary, our campaign staff have been going door to door to meet voters across the district, from Bloomfield to East Cranberry, and even to El Diablo Canyon. We are actually in El Diablo Canyon right now, and I have no idea where we parked the campaign bus. It’s getting dark, and the rocks all look kind of the same. The hyenas sound like they’re laughing, but when you look at them they really don’t look like they’re laughing at all.

Can you chip in three dollars today to help cover our campaign costs? Also, do you have any pepper spray or anything? Or maybe a Clif bar? Something to distract them?

These are the toughest opponents I’ve ever faced. Every time we turn around, they’ve planned a new attack against us. I’m talking about the facing hyenas, by the way—they have already eaten two unpaid interns, which doesn’t even help with the funding shortfall we are in the lead-up to Election Day. Unlike our opponents, who are funded by dark-money super PACs, our campaign is a hundred per cent funded by grassroots supporters just like you. And if we can’t raise enough by midnight, we are going to have to make budget cuts or throw our communications director at these insatiable beasts in order to make ends meet.

If each person reading this chips in three dollars, we will be $2,166 closer to taking our district back—and we won’t have to feed the rest of our staff to wild animals. Can you donate today?

When we launched our campaign, six months ago, nobody thought that we had a chance at winning this election. With only one week left, polls show the race is tighter than ever—yet we are being massively outspent by the corporate megadonors trying to buy this election for my opponent.

I really didn’t want to have to do this. When I woke up this morning, I wanted to share positive news, like a sneak peek of our newest television ad, or some of the stories of the wonderful people we’ve met on the campaign trail. I wanted to thank you for your support, and show you how your money, time, and energy have inspired us every single day. Instead, my leg has just been bitten by a hyena, I probably have rabies, and we still need a lot more money to fund our get-out-the-vote effort on Election Day. It’s probably too late to save me—but, with your help, it’s not too late to save our country.

So, I’m asking you one last time: Will you rush in a donation, even just three dollars, before calling 911? Tell them to send a medevac to El Diablo Canyon. ♦