I was going through some old columns the other day and found this one that first appeared on Nov. 27, 2015. It still makes me laugh, mostly because every morsel remains so true.
Thus, I present it again — my Thanksgiving leftovers — tidbits that did not get published this year but should have:
— The prettier the bird, the less likely it will sit still for a photo.
– The rare bird I am looking for will turn up moments after I leave.
Birding generates more vanity plates than any other hobby.
— If I can still hear golden-crowned kinglets, I’m not deaf yet.
— No matter how clever I think my bird feeder protection strategy is, the squirrel has all day to prove me wrong.
— Really, I should be more excited about gulls than I am.
Is there anything sadder than a bald eagle with a combover?
— Maybe I shouldn’t admit this, but I know what a ruffed grouse looks like, sounds like and tastes like.
— When a mockingbird steals the song of another bird, he invariably sings it better than the bird he’s mocking. They fool me even when I’m watching them do it.
— I crossed a parrot with a woodpecker. It only talks in Morse code.
– Chicken soup is good for your health, unless you’re the chicken.
Purple finches and purple sandpipers aren’t purple, but they’re close enough.
— What if we named birds like we name hurricanes? Instead of naming it a red-eyed vireo, we’d just call it Alice.
— One vulture says to the other, “Does this clown taste funny to you?”
Birds fly south for the winter because it’s too far to walk.
— An African swallow could carry a 5-pound coconut, but a European swallow couldn’t.
— Ninety percent of birders walk underneath 90 percent of birds without knowing they’re there. Bird noise matter.
— The active ingredient in Dove soap is not what I thought it would be.
— No two sparrow species are alike, even though they’re all brown. Honestly, they’re not that hard.
— Whenever I stop on an abandoned roadside in the wilderness to listen for an unusual bird, a car will come along.
They will assume I’m looking at a moose.
When they discover I’m birding, they will tell me where they saw an eagle.
— This was the year that I decided the spruce grouse is my favorite bird. Every spruce grouse has a distinct personality.
— If a train leaves Chicago going west at 25 mph, and another train leaves Sacramento going east at 30 mph, a raven is smart enough to know where they meet.
— Owls aren’t as wise as college graduates, but they’re not $37,000 in debt, either.
Yes, some robins are here in winter.
— Many of today’s cheaper binoculars are better than yesterday’s expensive ones. Time to upgrade?
— The influx of northern birds into Maine is different every winter, including this winter. I can’t wait to see what wanders in.
— There is almost no difference between the length of the bills on a short-billed dowitcher and a long-billed dowitcher. That annoys me.
— I’m surprised at how many people don’t know how their binoculars work.
— Global warming will eliminate puffins from Maine, maybe during your lifetime.
It may take a couple of years longer, but the same is true for lobsters.
Somebody will comment on this column, asserting that climate change is a myth.
— Over the last 20 years, I’ve watched boreal chickadees vanish along the Maine coast due to climate change. They’ve disappeared from an area the size of Connecticut.
— Beware, squirrels. My Havahart trap has a heart, but I don’t.
Albino birds are rare, but everybody has seen one and will ask their Bangor Daily News birding columnist to identify it.
He will.
When barred owls call “Who cooks for you?” I think, it’s none of their business.
— OK, I think Maine has enough turkey now.
— I hope my editor knows how to pluralize titmouse.
— It’s unfair that the West gets all the hummingbirds.
— For the last time, it’s a Canada goose, not a Canadian goose!
— Everything about a woodcock is funny.
Mallards will die with anything that moves.
Blue jays make more noises than I can remember.
— You can never have too many field guides.
— I added no new birds to my Maine life list this year. I’d better bird more or live longer.